Restaurant Review and Political Warning.

Chinese Food: A Restaurant Review and Political Warning.

Tonight we took Exit 5 to the Hell that is King Buffet. Oh, Silly Self! When will you ever learn that Chinese buffets are sent from abroad to slowly but surely take over the world by fronting coronary artery disease as a bargain, disguised as 200 awful 'entrees'? How many dollah will you lose on this Chinese Roulette Game? How many all nighters on the potty?

Be warned! These things are a carefully executed offensive! They are a quiet, undiscovered surgical strike to our nation - how else would thousands of Chinese restaurants all over the country have the exact same menus?! They are are answering to our McDonald's and Burger Kings with a vengeance!
In our region, King Buffet is leading the strategy with a most diabolical and militant cuisine. Not to be satisfied with dosing biological warfare through stomach cramps, they add a hefty front line of staff armed with traditional weaponry of the "long bo staff" disguised as mops which fling toxic water to and fro at will during your meal. Should you decide to have a converstation, be prepared to interrupted by an unsmiling soldier who will demand you to work while camped there: you will have to hand over the soy sauce to be switched out. You will later be stopped, and forced to hand over salt and pepper shakers for for the same reason. Incredibly, this assault is tenacious, and a third time, you will work, releasing your container of sweetener packets to your warden's custody.
You will continue to attempt to manage the rumblings of hunger you had when you first walked in, overlooking the fingerprint smears on nearly everything, to sample bites of deep fried...animal.
You may attempt an oyster from the cold bar, but you may as well swallow your own snot and reserve your bathroom for the night, as you surely will have invited c. vibrios to nestle into your gut.
At no time during your futile attempts to nourish yourself will your table be cleaned.
Remember, people! This is the 'Nam of culinary war! It ain't for sissies! Clean your own damn table!
You're on King Buffet soil now, Punk!

Reporting From Booth H:

"You Not in Kansas Anymore, Dorothy! Tornado Come, You in King Buffet!

No Clean Table!"