1. I'll ease into this list with something I know I'm not alone in singing, and that is Madonna's lyric "Last night I dreamt of San Pedro" transformed into "Last night I dreamt of some bagels...". Sure, it came out long before she was into her Jewish phase, but maybe Madonna harbored a fantasy with bagels. You never knew what was coming next with her. She had ice cream cone bras pointing at us, so were bagels so far fetched? Nope. It was music to my schmears.
2. Speaking of cones, they are the structures in your eyes that help you to see colors. That little nugget of information was absent from me for quite awhile, because I used to think that in the old days, people could only see in black and white. No doubt I attributed this handicap to people because of old movies.
IMAGE: People used to have to wear special glasses if they wanted to see colors.
3. Speaking of movies, JAWS. JAWS was the litmus test to see if you could get married. You had to sit through the whole movie, and if you made it out of the theatre okay, 'they' would let you. If it "grossed 30 million", then 30 million were too grossed out to get married, as far as I knew. I had an older sister who got married around the time that this movie was released, and somehow I must have associated the two. I also believed you could get spayed after you got married. Yep, you guessed it; we got a dog around the same time who was spayed. Thank goodness no lasting imprints of men seared themselves to my brain from that era, because the groom turned out to be gay. [Necessary disclaimer: Gay is fine. Gay groom pretending to be straight? Not fine.]
IMAGE: They'll do OK.
4. Escalators. I still secretly fear they will grab my shoe and suck me under either a) ripping off my leg, or b) taking me to a terrible Netherworld with trolls.
5. While we're on the subject of bodily harm, here was my take on gunshot wounds: whenever a reporter mentioned that someone was shot at "point blank range", I thought this was a place. And I was very scared that we lived close to Point Blank Range. At the same time, I couldn't figure out why people would keep going there.
6. Holy Communion/Eucharist. It alarmed me when the priest held up that foreign looking round thing and said it was the "body of Christ". Then he ate it. I imagined he had gone to a graveyard and dug up some old corpse's skin and taken a cookie cutter to it and baked it at 350 degrees for 8 to 10 minutes to acheive the perfect circular shape. My thoughts went in a similar direction when I said he had the "blood of Christ" and started drinking from that silver goblet. At age 7, this made my First Holy Communion like walking the plank, except down the church's aisle. When I arrived face to face with the priest and he repeated the words "body of Christ" before placing that wafer on my tongue, my eyes watered. The flesh turned gummy as it stuck to the roof of my mouth, managed to swallow a tiny bit, and right there, in front of everyone, I vomited the body of Christ on the New Testament. Tried twice more to make Communion, but it turns out I'm not into cannibalism.
What kind of odd beliefs have you had?
Logging you in...
No comments:
Post a Comment